One of the principles of tantra I have explored in my sexual intimate encounters with myself and others is the principle of the Inner Marriage of Shiva and Shakti. Shiva is consciousness; Shakti, energy.
Before this marriage can take place, Shiva and Shakti need a little time to get to know one another, need a little time to date, to explore if they are even interested in each other. In the ancient tales, Parvati (a manifestation of Shakti) dances before Shiva for 1000 years, while he is lost in his meditation. But he finally begins to notice her, to turn his full attention toward her, and eventually they join in ecstatic sexual union. Bringing my full attention toward myself or another is my initial experience of tantric sex.
This is sometimes called Mindfulness, sometimes called Presence. In this attentive space, I turn my breath toward the Lover, while they turn their breath toward me.
But not me. Not the Lover. Soon, in this exchange of breath, attention, and energy, there comes a place of merging. Of emergence. This place is the beginning of the engagement of Shiva and Shakti. Edges, the distinction of Shiva and Shakti, are blurred, one breath is no longer independent of the other. The experience is of being breathed, not by the Lover, but by breath itself.
Energy follows the breath, is carried by the breath. The energy following channels in the body (known as nadis), flowing through the channels in my body into the Lover's body, until the edges become indistinct.
I actively begin inviting the energy to be pleasure, and the pleasure to move from my body to the Lover's, from their body to mine. This requires my exquisite attention, as well as the balancing relaxation of my need to control the experience. I have noticed that I can get into a head space of needing this experience to be like the last, or the best. If I can set up the stage (Presence, Breath, Pleasure) and then get out of the way (stop directing), this will be the best sex of my life. Every Single Time.
This is an apparent paradox. First, exquisite attention, then total relaxation. I find that my control center, aka the manipura chakra, is determined to get it right, but is limited to the awareness of what has been right before. And by trying to re-create what has been right before, my experience of the moment is limited. The Presence, the attention, the mindfulness becomes a cage against what is possible.
This experience of sex is fabulous, whether with oneself or with another, but it is not the only place to experience this union of Consciousness and Energy. When we direct our capacity for this Marriage to sex alone, we limit that experience.
This Inner Marriage is also quite easily realized through meditation, jappa, mantra, and pranayama. If you are intrigued, find a teacher who can help you as explore your curiosity, and support you as you follow your pleasure.